Adventures in Web-Dating and S-bahn Fantasies

Frustrated with getting hit on by drunks and construction workers, yet never getting asked out, I decided to try online dating. Mostly, it seems to be like a bar, but online, and less drunk. 95% of the guys that message me are not interesting to me, and some of them are super persistent. I get an average of 30 messages a day, and I can't answer all of them, but some of them insist on continuing to message 'why aren't you answering me?' Here's a clue, if I don't message you, it's the e-equivalent of me saying 'that's nice' then turning back to my friends and ignoring you in a bar...get the hint!

That being said, I do have a date on Saturday with a guy who looks like he is pretty attractive in his photos, and seems interesting from his profile (speaks 4 languages, likes culture)

In other news, I finished my period on Sunday and am at that ridiculously horny part of my cycle. Yesterday I found myself waiting for the S-Bahn, fantasizing about making out with the guy sitting on the bench next to me. That's right. Total stranger. I also had more than a few fantasies about F, who is a roommate of my friend D. He's a ginger kid, but a hot ginger kid. God. I feel like a cat in heat.

:(

I finally got a text back from him. It said "Just got back from the choir trip, and I'm busy at school all day and night the entire week. But thanks anyway for the cake."

I don't know. It just screams 'I don't care.' Like, it's the text equivalent of me giving it to him and him shrugging. It wouldn't be the first time a guy shrugged at me when I tried to do something nice for him. It's so hurtful, not just because I have feelings for him, but also because he's my friend and friends aren't supposed to act like that. Friends are supposed to appreciate it when you do things for them. Is he at Uni 24 hours a day? No. I could drop it off. He could acknowledge that I made some effort for him. But he just doesn't care.

One day, I want to be in love with someone and not feel sad about it. I want to tell all my friends that I am really in love, and say it with a smile on my face, not call them crying because I know I'm going to get my heart broken. There is NOTHING worse than that feeling you get when you realize that the person you're in love with not only doesn't love you, but doesn't care enough about you to consider your feelings. It stings. M was supposed to be different than that, but I guess he is just like everybody else.

Holiday

Today is a holiday in Germany! Yay for ANOTHER day off to relax, or rather to recover from the rest of the weekend.

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." - Friedrich Nietzsche

There is still a cake in my fridge. No messages or calls.

Twelve

I have a lot of weird superstitions regarding sex (see the "Condom Curse" post.) One of my other ones has something to do with the number 12. I have currently slept with 11 guys, which makes me practically a virgin compared to most people I know in Germany, and a whore compared to my friends in Canada (interesting little cultural difference there.) I have this weird feeling that Bachelor #12 has something special about him, even though I have absolutely no idea who he is. Don't ask me why...I can't even remember who #7 was, for example, without looking at the list I wrote down (and looking at it now, it was J, who I dated for 2 months. Definitely not special.) Maybe my '12' superstition has to do with it being an even dozen...though I highly doubt that the next guy I sleep with will end up being 'the one'. Not with my luck anyway. But wouldn't it be nice?

Going Insane

It's been a week since I accidentally forwarded M a message saying 'M is being bitchy' (which he was but that's beside the point) and he's still mad. I'm totally upset about it, and I don't know what to do. The general consensus is to make him a cake, so I guess I will do that because I don't know anything else to do. I want to make some grand gesture showing him I'm not a complete bitch and I'm sorry for being insensitive, so I guess this is the way to do this.

I hate being a girl. I think about these things way too much and analyse them to death. I can't just brush things off, when I really care. If I just brush it off, either I really don't care at all, or it -looks- like I brushed it off when really I'm totally beating myself up about it in my head.

I have horrible PMS, which doesn't help the matter. I'm always so emotional during this time of the month, and both emotionally and physically this is the WORST period I've had since my teen years. I'm totally irrational and I keep crying. I feel like a right idiot.

Blech

I feel really cranky today.

Ever had one of those nights where you wake up every half hour or so? That was my night last night. Nothing worse than continually interrupting your sleep, all the while knowing that you have to wake up the next morning.

M still isn't speaking to me and I'm worried I really pissed him off. However, at the same time it's really childish, because what I did wasn't THAT bad and he has to either get mad at me directly or get over it. I hate it when he acts like this. Passive aggressiveness has a tendency to make ME really agressive.

Uncertainty

It's been a few weeks and the fight was long resolved, but there are other issues looming.
He is going through something he says, and he has reacted by totally shutting me out. I think that while it's fine to need your space, shutting someone out is totally selfish. It's bothering me. It's not fair. I'm torn between not wanting to waste my time and get my heart broken, and wanting to be there for him and see this through. When it was good, it was really good. I don't meet men I can talk to easily. It's rarity and I want to keep that, if I can. I don't want to throw something away because of a rough patch, but is this a rough patch or is it him just being an asshole? I can't tell.

This is so emo. Ha.