Oh, Honey

Every once and a while, I read through old writing in order to gain ideas and inspiration from the past. I’ll go through the stacks of journals, poetry and notebooks I have and see what I can scrounge out that I may have already had before. Most of the time I read a lot of stuff that’s very silly, but I sometimes find a gem and work with it.

But that’s not really what this post is about. I did do that, and that’s where this starts, but this is about what I found in my journals between 2004-2008…

Basically, I can’t believe how naïve I was! Especially when I moved here and really started dating (something I hadn’t done much of before I came to Germany). Reading how I felt when I moved here and the things I thought about guys I dated, I just want to shake my head and say “Oh, honey”, a la How I Met Your Mother (video below):



I know hindsight is 20/20 and I know how it turns out, but still. I think if it wasn’t my life and I was just reading a blog or something someone else had posted, I’d feel the same way about it. It was kind of horrible in a way because I can see how I ended up so sad by 2008 (but somehow I hadn’t really learned by then either….) It's also very clear in the friends I chose. I guess in Canada I'd never really dated, and I only had friends I'd either known since school or had college classes with (and therefore very direct shared interests). I hadn't really met anyone in a while who I didn't already have some sort of background with, whether it be having the same interests and goals, or knowing all the same people. But when I came here, I didn't know anyone and I didn't have a lot of dating experience, or experience meeting friends from scratch. I guess I was just very sheltered. I was also very young. I didn't think 21 was so young when I moved here, and 5 years isn't really a long time in the scheme of things, but it's a period of time in which I've learned a lot and looking back I feel like I was a child almost.

On the other hand, I know I’m not that girl anymore (at least, I hope I’m not!) so I must have learned –something- from it all. I've spent a lot of time lately looking back on the past with rose-coloured lenses, but maybe it's better that I'm who I am now. The world isn't such a harsh place anymore :)

Adventures in Web-Dating and S-bahn Fantasies

Frustrated with getting hit on by drunks and construction workers, yet never getting asked out, I decided to try online dating. Mostly, it seems to be like a bar, but online, and less drunk. 95% of the guys that message me are not interesting to me, and some of them are super persistent. I get an average of 30 messages a day, and I can't answer all of them, but some of them insist on continuing to message 'why aren't you answering me?' Here's a clue, if I don't message you, it's the e-equivalent of me saying 'that's nice' then turning back to my friends and ignoring you in a bar...get the hint!

That being said, I do have a date on Saturday with a guy who looks like he is pretty attractive in his photos, and seems interesting from his profile (speaks 4 languages, likes culture)

In other news, I finished my period on Sunday and am at that ridiculously horny part of my cycle. Yesterday I found myself waiting for the S-Bahn, fantasizing about making out with the guy sitting on the bench next to me. That's right. Total stranger. I also had more than a few fantasies about F, who is a roommate of my friend D. He's a ginger kid, but a hot ginger kid. God. I feel like a cat in heat.

:(

I finally got a text back from him. It said "Just got back from the choir trip, and I'm busy at school all day and night the entire week. But thanks anyway for the cake."

I don't know. It just screams 'I don't care.' Like, it's the text equivalent of me giving it to him and him shrugging. It wouldn't be the first time a guy shrugged at me when I tried to do something nice for him. It's so hurtful, not just because I have feelings for him, but also because he's my friend and friends aren't supposed to act like that. Friends are supposed to appreciate it when you do things for them. Is he at Uni 24 hours a day? No. I could drop it off. He could acknowledge that I made some effort for him. But he just doesn't care.

One day, I want to be in love with someone and not feel sad about it. I want to tell all my friends that I am really in love, and say it with a smile on my face, not call them crying because I know I'm going to get my heart broken. There is NOTHING worse than that feeling you get when you realize that the person you're in love with not only doesn't love you, but doesn't care enough about you to consider your feelings. It stings. M was supposed to be different than that, but I guess he is just like everybody else.

Twelve

I have a lot of weird superstitions regarding sex (see the "Condom Curse" post.) One of my other ones has something to do with the number 12. I have currently slept with 11 guys, which makes me practically a virgin compared to most people I know in Germany, and a whore compared to my friends in Canada (interesting little cultural difference there.) I have this weird feeling that Bachelor #12 has something special about him, even though I have absolutely no idea who he is. Don't ask me why...I can't even remember who #7 was, for example, without looking at the list I wrote down (and looking at it now, it was J, who I dated for 2 months. Definitely not special.) Maybe my '12' superstition has to do with it being an even dozen...though I highly doubt that the next guy I sleep with will end up being 'the one'. Not with my luck anyway. But wouldn't it be nice?

Going Insane

It's been a week since I accidentally forwarded M a message saying 'M is being bitchy' (which he was but that's beside the point) and he's still mad. I'm totally upset about it, and I don't know what to do. The general consensus is to make him a cake, so I guess I will do that because I don't know anything else to do. I want to make some grand gesture showing him I'm not a complete bitch and I'm sorry for being insensitive, so I guess this is the way to do this.

I hate being a girl. I think about these things way too much and analyse them to death. I can't just brush things off, when I really care. If I just brush it off, either I really don't care at all, or it -looks- like I brushed it off when really I'm totally beating myself up about it in my head.

I have horrible PMS, which doesn't help the matter. I'm always so emotional during this time of the month, and both emotionally and physically this is the WORST period I've had since my teen years. I'm totally irrational and I keep crying. I feel like a right idiot.

Blech

I feel really cranky today.

Ever had one of those nights where you wake up every half hour or so? That was my night last night. Nothing worse than continually interrupting your sleep, all the while knowing that you have to wake up the next morning.

M still isn't speaking to me and I'm worried I really pissed him off. However, at the same time it's really childish, because what I did wasn't THAT bad and he has to either get mad at me directly or get over it. I hate it when he acts like this. Passive aggressiveness has a tendency to make ME really agressive.

Uncertainty

It's been a few weeks and the fight was long resolved, but there are other issues looming.
He is going through something he says, and he has reacted by totally shutting me out. I think that while it's fine to need your space, shutting someone out is totally selfish. It's bothering me. It's not fair. I'm torn between not wanting to waste my time and get my heart broken, and wanting to be there for him and see this through. When it was good, it was really good. I don't meet men I can talk to easily. It's rarity and I want to keep that, if I can. I don't want to throw something away because of a rough patch, but is this a rough patch or is it him just being an asshole? I can't tell.

This is so emo. Ha.

Night of Truth

tonight...this is it, the night of truth. I'll see him tonight, and I have no idea where it is going. Ack.

One Week

Like the Barenaked Ladies song of the same title, it's been one week since I got in a fight with P, and he is still not speaking to me.

It all degraded into a passive aggressive email battle, starting with me explaining why I was angry, and ending with him calling me selfish. True, I was being a bit selfish, and didn't consider his feelings, and I sent my apologies, but instead of being mature and dealing with it he has totally shut me out. It's not even so much that he's been busy and didn't have time to deal with it. I called and sent a text yesterday (the text because I got no answer or voicemail prompt) to say that I was still feeling bad about what happened and that my offer to make dinner still stands (hey, it's the girl version of sending flowers), and still got nada.

It's hurting me. I couldn't eat or sleep after it happened because my nerves were so shot. Now I'm just tired, and need a distraction. I'll see him tomorrow, but it's a group situation that will allow him to duck out early if he still wants to be silly about this, and I'm not sure how much I can allow this to go on before I snap and end it. I love him, but I can't do this. I can't have someone shut me out for weeks because they got upset at me and feel too busy to deal with it. Where does that leave me then? Who's the selfish one in that case?

The Condom Curse

You're going to think I'm crazy when say this, but I have a curse. I call it the 'Condom Curse.' I swear on my life, EVERY time I buy condoms, I never get to use them with the guy I bought them to have sex with. It has happened every time for two years, without fail. It's a long vicious cycle; I start dating a guy, run out of condoms, and then in an effort to not be caught unprepared, I buy more. BUT before we have sex again, we break up, he stops calling, or it doesn't work out for some reason or another. Then all I'm left with is an unopened box of condoms, which seem to be mocking me in my night table drawer because I'm not having sex. I eventually start dating another guy and use them, but if I buy a new pack, the cycle is repeated.

I was in line at the grocery store the other day and saw the condoms by the register and remembered that I was out. BUT this time I remembered the Condom Curse, and I left them be. If he can't remember condoms, he shouldn't be having sex.

Undecided

There is a certain point when you're dating someone where you find yourself asking 'where is this going?' I avoided going there, and I'd still like to avoid going there, but I can't help it. I'm starting to question it. Mostly I question his motives. Is he really interested in being serious ever? Does he just want to date and see where it goes? Does he want me only for sex? I'm ok with the first two, and I don't even mind taking it slow and casual, but I'm not really into being the sex girl. Don't get me wrong, I love sex, but I want more than JUST sex.
He's pulling a Mr. Big on me...I get a little more interested and he's just pulling away. He made a huge deal about writing emails and how I never respond more than just a few words, and so since I've been gone I've written some longer emails to him about what I've been up to. He hardly answers me. Is he just giving me a taste of his own medicine? Is he busy and stressed? or is he just pulling away? UGH. Questions. I hate questions.