Wow...I'm really tired today. Staying up almost every night, all night to watch Canada play hockey in the Olympics is starting to catch up with me. Almost over though. We're not playing tonight and the game tomorrow starts at a very reasonable 9:15 PM. Tomorrow we play for gold!
I also feel like a study zombie. I've started studying most of the afternoon and evening, an hour on and hour off, though today and yesterday I felt too dead to do quite as much as I did the rest of the week. I'm at that point where I'm getting TONS done but I feel like I don't know anything, and my exams are in 2 months. I go to Greece in just over a week though, so maybe that will give me a bit of time to just clear my head and give it some space.
Watching Julie and Julia right now and loving it, though it's making me very hungry. Went out for Chinese last night for Kate's birthday dinner and it was really great. I haven't had chinese food at a restaurant since I left Canada! They brought my Sweet and Sour sauce and it had peas in it, even though I strongly specified that I couldn't have any peas in my food, but they were pretty good about it and made me new sauce sans peas. I don't know what to eat tonight, because I'm hungry but I really don't feel like cooking (even though I'm watching a movie about cooking.)
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
The Big Thaw
After a freezing winter of snow and ice, it seems like it's finally all melting. It's been above 0 for a few days and there are puddles everywhere. The snowman my friend Adam and I built a month ago on my balcony lost his head. As much as it's a slushy mess outside, this couldn't be more welcome. I realized that, though I like snow for a few days, after 2 months you just want it to melt. I'm so over winter. Bring on spring!
Wayne's World dubbed in German is somehow super entertaining.
Wayne's World dubbed in German is somehow super entertaining.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Crap from Germany
*Disclaimer: I do NOT hate German music. There is lots of great music that comes out of this country. I could make a big list of German artists and bands that I love, but I’ll save that for another post.*
Since I moved to Germany five years ago, I’ve heard a lot of shitty music. Like most people that move to a foreign country, sometimes I just don’t understand why certain things are popular. But every once and a while, a song comes out that makes me wonder how anyone…ANYONE…from anywhere can possibly like it. Germany isn’t alone in this; Sean Paul reached #1 internationally. I think I notice the crap more in Germany though because I’m on the outside looking in.
Anyway, this song is one of those songs. How it has reached #3 on the charts, I have no idea. I suspect that someone has sold their soul to Satan. And yes, one of the guys’ names is ‘Frauenartzt’, which means ‘Gynocologist.’ Classy. It's actually so bad, it's kind of funny.
Oh, and to be fair and not seeming to rag on German music, I hate that Ke$ha song that I can't escape, no matter where I go. It's not that it's particularly awful. It's just that it's so repetitive and insipid. And it is played 10000000000x a day. ProSieben uses it in their promo spots, it's on the radio, MTV, cafes....it's everywhere. When I hear that song, I feel sad because I know that I wont be able to get it out of my head for the rest of the day, which is unfortunate because I don't like it.
Since I moved to Germany five years ago, I’ve heard a lot of shitty music. Like most people that move to a foreign country, sometimes I just don’t understand why certain things are popular. But every once and a while, a song comes out that makes me wonder how anyone…ANYONE…from anywhere can possibly like it. Germany isn’t alone in this; Sean Paul reached #1 internationally. I think I notice the crap more in Germany though because I’m on the outside looking in.
Anyway, this song is one of those songs. How it has reached #3 on the charts, I have no idea. I suspect that someone has sold their soul to Satan. And yes, one of the guys’ names is ‘Frauenartzt’, which means ‘Gynocologist.’ Classy. It's actually so bad, it's kind of funny.
Oh, and to be fair and not seeming to rag on German music, I hate that Ke$ha song that I can't escape, no matter where I go. It's not that it's particularly awful. It's just that it's so repetitive and insipid. And it is played 10000000000x a day. ProSieben uses it in their promo spots, it's on the radio, MTV, cafes....it's everywhere. When I hear that song, I feel sad because I know that I wont be able to get it out of my head for the rest of the day, which is unfortunate because I don't like it.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I want an adventure!
It started 2 days ago, on Sunday.
Shortly after I posted my last entry, I met my friend Kathie for a late sushi lunch. We got to talking and she told me about how she was looking at last minute travel deals to beat the ugly weather here, but how she didn’t find anything for when she had the time to go. It got me thinking that I’d love to do something like that. I always hold myself back because I want to save money, but something inside me told me to go anyway. When I got home, I started looking at various flights and hotels all over Europe and came up with a few promising options. After more research, Athens seemed like the best deal in early March. I was still hesitant, but I thought about it for a while and decided to take the plunge and go.
I think part of the reason I’ve been so up and down with Berlin lately is tied to my previous post. I don’t leave, and I don’t take advantage of what the city has to offer. Further thought brought me to the conclusion that I am not actually living my life. I socialize with friends, so at least that’s something, but I’m not doing things that I want to very often. I’m not having the kinds of experiences that I want to be having. Basically, I’m missing out. I always have a little voice inside my head that tells me ‘when I’m in a relationship it would be fun to do this stuff’ or ‘when I have a career and have more income I’ll go there’ and it just seems to me now that I’m waiting to live my life instead of actually living it. I don’t need to wait until my life is perfect to live it…I can do it now. It doesn’t have to cost me a lot and I can still save money for the future. I think it’s about balance. I’ve also had a creeping fear inside me for the past couple of years that I think holds me back from living my life. I find myself spending a lot of money on books and DVDs, and it’s like I live my life vicariously through fictional characters. This stops NOW. I have enough books to read for probably 2 years. I don’t need more books. I already subscribe to a DVD service and have lots of my own so I don’t need to buy DVDs either. Instead, I can spend that money DOING things. Great idea, huh?
So I did it. I booked a ticket to Athens. I leave on March 9 and return on the 15th. I’m not even a little nervous. In fact, I can’t wait!
Shortly after I posted my last entry, I met my friend Kathie for a late sushi lunch. We got to talking and she told me about how she was looking at last minute travel deals to beat the ugly weather here, but how she didn’t find anything for when she had the time to go. It got me thinking that I’d love to do something like that. I always hold myself back because I want to save money, but something inside me told me to go anyway. When I got home, I started looking at various flights and hotels all over Europe and came up with a few promising options. After more research, Athens seemed like the best deal in early March. I was still hesitant, but I thought about it for a while and decided to take the plunge and go.
I think part of the reason I’ve been so up and down with Berlin lately is tied to my previous post. I don’t leave, and I don’t take advantage of what the city has to offer. Further thought brought me to the conclusion that I am not actually living my life. I socialize with friends, so at least that’s something, but I’m not doing things that I want to very often. I’m not having the kinds of experiences that I want to be having. Basically, I’m missing out. I always have a little voice inside my head that tells me ‘when I’m in a relationship it would be fun to do this stuff’ or ‘when I have a career and have more income I’ll go there’ and it just seems to me now that I’m waiting to live my life instead of actually living it. I don’t need to wait until my life is perfect to live it…I can do it now. It doesn’t have to cost me a lot and I can still save money for the future. I think it’s about balance. I’ve also had a creeping fear inside me for the past couple of years that I think holds me back from living my life. I find myself spending a lot of money on books and DVDs, and it’s like I live my life vicariously through fictional characters. This stops NOW. I have enough books to read for probably 2 years. I don’t need more books. I already subscribe to a DVD service and have lots of my own so I don’t need to buy DVDs either. Instead, I can spend that money DOING things. Great idea, huh?
So I did it. I booked a ticket to Athens. I leave on March 9 and return on the 15th. I’m not even a little nervous. In fact, I can’t wait!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Vancouver 2010, homesickness and wanderlust
The Vancouver 2010 Olympics opened on Friday, and I have to admit, watching the opening ceremonies has been making me pretty homesick. I wish I could be there amongst all the excitement. I’d wanted to visit, but the tickets cost a lot and since I’m mid-school right now it’s not a very convenient time to go.
All this is also bringing up some other stuff though that I have thought about for a couple of months now, but haven’t really told anyone. I’m not even really sure how I feel myself about this, but I sometimes wonder if I really want to stay in Berlin long-term. I used to want to make this place my home, and in a way I really feel like it’s become that kind of place for me, but there are some other things that also make me feel otherwise. For one, no matter what I do, I always feel like I’m a foreigner, and that I’m seen as a foreigner. I hold a German passport, but I’m still a foreigner because I have an accent. This really irritates me. I come from Canada, where it’s a mix of people and culture and no matter where you come from, you can fit in. Differences are celebrated and welcomed. I have great friends here, including Germans, but it’s not the same somehow. Maybe if I were born somewhere else and lived in Canada, I’d feel the same…who knows.
Also, I’m not doing any of the things that I wanted to when I came here. All the reasons that I say I love it here, I never do. It’s easy to get around Europe, but I never travel…when I say this to friends from back home, they go on and on and on about how cheap it is to travel here, but NOTHING is cheap when you don’t have an income. My standard of living (and therefore cost) has also gone up a lot since I moved here. I own an apartment, which has all sorts of associated costs. That’s a really big one. I’ve always wanted to have my own place but I also always wanted to travel and I didn’t necessarily want to do it when I was older and tied down with a career. I moved here because I wanted to travel while I was young, but instead of going on one big backpacking trip (I’ve never been attracted to the backpacking thing), I could go on weekends and see Europe. I’ve seen a few things, but I have still only been to a handful of European countries. Friends travel all the time and I really feel like I’m missing out, especially when I hear “You HAVEN’T been to Italy/London/Spain/Etc????” No, I haven’t. I really want to though. I also hardly ever take advantage of what Berlin has to offer. There are so many amazing things to do here but I only manage to do any of them every few months. This is a BIG reason that I came here and why I want to stay here, but I haven’t gotten into it enough either. Maybe I have to push myself and just go. Or maybe I don’t even value the things that I thought I did as much as I thought. I actually have no idea.
Part of me wonders if I should move back to Canada. Looking back though, when I’ve been back I haven’t wanted to stay and I’ve always been happy to come back here. Maybe my trip in June will make me appreciate Berlin more. Maybe if I left more in general, I’d appreciate Berlin more. I think it’s hard to appreciate where you are if you never see anything else.
In a way, I don’t want to move. All my stuff is here, and that sounds like a silly reason to stay, but I’m comfortable and I’ve never really had that before. Moving things and having house sales and renting out my apartment just feels so daunting and overwhelming that I don’t really want to do it unless I had a really, really good job offer or found someone I couldn’t live without. But does that mean I shouldn’t consider career options outside of Berlin? Should I focus on continuing to build my life here or should I just keep my options open and see if it takes me somewhere else after all? Maybe I’m just having jitters because I’ve been here almost 5 years and that’s a good period of time to start reassessing life.
All this is also bringing up some other stuff though that I have thought about for a couple of months now, but haven’t really told anyone. I’m not even really sure how I feel myself about this, but I sometimes wonder if I really want to stay in Berlin long-term. I used to want to make this place my home, and in a way I really feel like it’s become that kind of place for me, but there are some other things that also make me feel otherwise. For one, no matter what I do, I always feel like I’m a foreigner, and that I’m seen as a foreigner. I hold a German passport, but I’m still a foreigner because I have an accent. This really irritates me. I come from Canada, where it’s a mix of people and culture and no matter where you come from, you can fit in. Differences are celebrated and welcomed. I have great friends here, including Germans, but it’s not the same somehow. Maybe if I were born somewhere else and lived in Canada, I’d feel the same…who knows.
Also, I’m not doing any of the things that I wanted to when I came here. All the reasons that I say I love it here, I never do. It’s easy to get around Europe, but I never travel…when I say this to friends from back home, they go on and on and on about how cheap it is to travel here, but NOTHING is cheap when you don’t have an income. My standard of living (and therefore cost) has also gone up a lot since I moved here. I own an apartment, which has all sorts of associated costs. That’s a really big one. I’ve always wanted to have my own place but I also always wanted to travel and I didn’t necessarily want to do it when I was older and tied down with a career. I moved here because I wanted to travel while I was young, but instead of going on one big backpacking trip (I’ve never been attracted to the backpacking thing), I could go on weekends and see Europe. I’ve seen a few things, but I have still only been to a handful of European countries. Friends travel all the time and I really feel like I’m missing out, especially when I hear “You HAVEN’T been to Italy/London/Spain/Etc????” No, I haven’t. I really want to though. I also hardly ever take advantage of what Berlin has to offer. There are so many amazing things to do here but I only manage to do any of them every few months. This is a BIG reason that I came here and why I want to stay here, but I haven’t gotten into it enough either. Maybe I have to push myself and just go. Or maybe I don’t even value the things that I thought I did as much as I thought. I actually have no idea.
Part of me wonders if I should move back to Canada. Looking back though, when I’ve been back I haven’t wanted to stay and I’ve always been happy to come back here. Maybe my trip in June will make me appreciate Berlin more. Maybe if I left more in general, I’d appreciate Berlin more. I think it’s hard to appreciate where you are if you never see anything else.
In a way, I don’t want to move. All my stuff is here, and that sounds like a silly reason to stay, but I’m comfortable and I’ve never really had that before. Moving things and having house sales and renting out my apartment just feels so daunting and overwhelming that I don’t really want to do it unless I had a really, really good job offer or found someone I couldn’t live without. But does that mean I shouldn’t consider career options outside of Berlin? Should I focus on continuing to build my life here or should I just keep my options open and see if it takes me somewhere else after all? Maybe I’m just having jitters because I’ve been here almost 5 years and that’s a good period of time to start reassessing life.
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