Kind of out of touch lately. I've been caught up in exam madness, and a lot of the time between reading I'm just a bit burnt out to write more than I really have to. Life has been good to me though. I came to London for my exams, and other than today it's been great weather. I've mostly just been reviewing but I've had the chance to do some wandering and see and do a few things.
First exam (Marketing Management) didn't go so well. I was so prepared and I was thrilled when I opened the booklet to see that I was very knowledgeable of most of the questions, and since I only answer 3, I picked the 3 best and went from there, only to find myself with horrible writers block. I barely finished (and my last essay lacked detail and was pretty sparse), and I'm pretty sure that the first didn't really manage to properly answer the question and I rambled a lot. All bad news. The good news is that I had Human Resource Management yesterday and that went pretty well! I wasn't any more prepared than I was for Marketing, but I chilled out a lot more. I went to a comedy show the night before. I think just the lack of overstudying led to a lack of nerves and it served me a lot better. I just have Strategic Management and Accounting left, and I'm only really worried about Accounting.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
Right now I want to....
....fly to Barcelona
message someone
see the ocean
run (it's 1 am)
eat a banana split
laugh until I cry
message someone
see the ocean
run (it's 1 am)
eat a banana split
laugh until I cry
Sunday, February 27, 2011
No Sleep
That pretty much sums up my weekend. It wouldn't be so bad that I went to sleep so late, if I would be able to sleep in. But my body isn't letting me! I still only get up a couple of hours later than I normally would.
I think I need to go to bed early tonight....
I think I need to go to bed early tonight....
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Oh, Honey
Every once and a while, I read through old writing in order to gain ideas and inspiration from the past. I’ll go through the stacks of journals, poetry and notebooks I have and see what I can scrounge out that I may have already had before. Most of the time I read a lot of stuff that’s very silly, but I sometimes find a gem and work with it.
But that’s not really what this post is about. I did do that, and that’s where this starts, but this is about what I found in my journals between 2004-2008…
Basically, I can’t believe how naïve I was! Especially when I moved here and really started dating (something I hadn’t done much of before I came to Germany). Reading how I felt when I moved here and the things I thought about guys I dated, I just want to shake my head and say “Oh, honey”, a la How I Met Your Mother (video below):
I know hindsight is 20/20 and I know how it turns out, but still. I think if it wasn’t my life and I was just reading a blog or something someone else had posted, I’d feel the same way about it. It was kind of horrible in a way because I can see how I ended up so sad by 2008 (but somehow I hadn’t really learned by then either….) It's also very clear in the friends I chose. I guess in Canada I'd never really dated, and I only had friends I'd either known since school or had college classes with (and therefore very direct shared interests). I hadn't really met anyone in a while who I didn't already have some sort of background with, whether it be having the same interests and goals, or knowing all the same people. But when I came here, I didn't know anyone and I didn't have a lot of dating experience, or experience meeting friends from scratch. I guess I was just very sheltered. I was also very young. I didn't think 21 was so young when I moved here, and 5 years isn't really a long time in the scheme of things, but it's a period of time in which I've learned a lot and looking back I feel like I was a child almost.
On the other hand, I know I’m not that girl anymore (at least, I hope I’m not!) so I must have learned –something- from it all. I've spent a lot of time lately looking back on the past with rose-coloured lenses, but maybe it's better that I'm who I am now. The world isn't such a harsh place anymore :)
But that’s not really what this post is about. I did do that, and that’s where this starts, but this is about what I found in my journals between 2004-2008…
Basically, I can’t believe how naïve I was! Especially when I moved here and really started dating (something I hadn’t done much of before I came to Germany). Reading how I felt when I moved here and the things I thought about guys I dated, I just want to shake my head and say “Oh, honey”, a la How I Met Your Mother (video below):
I know hindsight is 20/20 and I know how it turns out, but still. I think if it wasn’t my life and I was just reading a blog or something someone else had posted, I’d feel the same way about it. It was kind of horrible in a way because I can see how I ended up so sad by 2008 (but somehow I hadn’t really learned by then either….) It's also very clear in the friends I chose. I guess in Canada I'd never really dated, and I only had friends I'd either known since school or had college classes with (and therefore very direct shared interests). I hadn't really met anyone in a while who I didn't already have some sort of background with, whether it be having the same interests and goals, or knowing all the same people. But when I came here, I didn't know anyone and I didn't have a lot of dating experience, or experience meeting friends from scratch. I guess I was just very sheltered. I was also very young. I didn't think 21 was so young when I moved here, and 5 years isn't really a long time in the scheme of things, but it's a period of time in which I've learned a lot and looking back I feel like I was a child almost.
On the other hand, I know I’m not that girl anymore (at least, I hope I’m not!) so I must have learned –something- from it all. I've spent a lot of time lately looking back on the past with rose-coloured lenses, but maybe it's better that I'm who I am now. The world isn't such a harsh place anymore :)
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentines
I have a love/hate thing with February 14
There's something about Valentines Day that I just love. I like the idea of a day to celebrate love, and I don't think it has to mean romantic love. I don't really love the commercialism but almost every holiday is commercialized and I still love Halloween and Christmas. In a relationship or not, it's nice to remind yourself that there's love in the world, and hopefully in your own life, whether it be from a relationship, friends, family or just loving your life and being comfortable in your own skin. I know, I'm a sap.
The hate part comes mostly from the commercialization, and the fact that this centers entirely on romance. I guess it just makes me feel like I'm 13 at a school dance...awkward, and no one is really looking my way. And no matter how great I feel about being single, I still feel a little bit like that 13 year old girl again.
That being said, I wont be guilted. I'm blessed with wonderful friends and family! And I'm happier than I ever have been before. So to celebrate I'm making myself venison steak with a side of spinach and pasta alfredo tonight, which sounds like an odd combination but they're all things I love lots.
There's something about Valentines Day that I just love. I like the idea of a day to celebrate love, and I don't think it has to mean romantic love. I don't really love the commercialism but almost every holiday is commercialized and I still love Halloween and Christmas. In a relationship or not, it's nice to remind yourself that there's love in the world, and hopefully in your own life, whether it be from a relationship, friends, family or just loving your life and being comfortable in your own skin. I know, I'm a sap.
The hate part comes mostly from the commercialization, and the fact that this centers entirely on romance. I guess it just makes me feel like I'm 13 at a school dance...awkward, and no one is really looking my way. And no matter how great I feel about being single, I still feel a little bit like that 13 year old girl again.
That being said, I wont be guilted. I'm blessed with wonderful friends and family! And I'm happier than I ever have been before. So to celebrate I'm making myself venison steak with a side of spinach and pasta alfredo tonight, which sounds like an odd combination but they're all things I love lots.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Must.....blog
I haven't posted this week, mainly because I've been a bit up and down with things. I think it's the weather; I never feel 100% great emotionally when it's so grey and dreary outside. I'm a sunshine and heat kind of girl and rainy February and me just don't get along. That, and the fact that Tuesday was kind of a write-off....I spent half my day at an eye consultation that went nowhere, and another big chunk waiting for the Minol guy to read my gas meters and over 2 hours on the phone to Telekom trying to get more info about my phone bill. As I'm not Mademoiselle Patience, this did not put me in the best spirits. Also in that same vein, being somewhat of a workaholic I prefer being busy, and last week I just wasn't "busy" enough. I tend to get that after big assignments, holidays or exams. You have this big buildup and have no time to think and then.....*crickets* nothing. Or in this case (most cases), some stuff, but nothing compared to the week before of essay writing madness.
Anyway since I'm trying to somewhat limit my emo-ness to stuff that actually matters, I didn't post because I just felt I'd be pointlessly whiny.
But a new week is coming; one that's supposed to be sunnier (yay!) I'm starting some new things (more on that later, and I'll also say that this was part of the "ups" of my last week of ups and downs). I'm also almost done my course work, which means that I just have supplementary reading and reviewing until exams, which is somewhat of a relief.
Anyway since I'm trying to somewhat limit my emo-ness to stuff that actually matters, I didn't post because I just felt I'd be pointlessly whiny.
But a new week is coming; one that's supposed to be sunnier (yay!) I'm starting some new things (more on that later, and I'll also say that this was part of the "ups" of my last week of ups and downs). I'm also almost done my course work, which means that I just have supplementary reading and reviewing until exams, which is somewhat of a relief.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Mondays
Unlike Garfield, I do not hate Mondays.
I kind of like that feeling of starting the week. It's like New Years Day, on a much smaller scale. Whatever went wrong last week has a chance to be redeemed or forgotten, and whatever went right has a chance to grow.
I kind of like that feeling of starting the week. It's like New Years Day, on a much smaller scale. Whatever went wrong last week has a chance to be redeemed or forgotten, and whatever went right has a chance to grow.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Creatively lackluster
I'm going through the creative 'blahs' the past few weeks. I keep starting things and then not knowing how to finish them, and I find most of my ideas a little bland. I keep trucking through things, just in the name of keeping up the habit and hoping something pops up (in music, writing, fashion...ANYTHING) but so far little luck. I thought I got a good guitar riff going the other day, but it didn't really turn into much, so I just tried to remember it and put it on the back burner.
I suppose we all go through this, right?
In the mean time, I'm going through a re-found love of exercise. I hope this leads to my body's re-found love of fitting into a size 0. My clothing is still a little tight after a year of being a bit lazy (in the exercise department.)
I suppose we all go through this, right?
In the mean time, I'm going through a re-found love of exercise. I hope this leads to my body's re-found love of fitting into a size 0. My clothing is still a little tight after a year of being a bit lazy (in the exercise department.)
Friday, May 28, 2010
Lazy Days
After my exams, and a week of being completely productive, I'm finding myself very lazy this week. Which is maybe not the best time, because I have a lot to do. House cleaning, getting stuff ready for Canada, editing and writing.....
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Getting Better....Sort Of
Lately, I've been haunted by the Beatles song "Getting Better." Which isn't a bad song to be haunted by; it's positive and upbeat. I hear it in my sleep, it gets stuck in my head, and everywhere I go I seem to see the words "Getting Better" written everywhere (books, magazines, ads, etc.) It's kind of true too. Things are looking up. I maybe have a bit of income coming in (hopefully...cross our fingers. I'm crazy superstitious and don't want to jinx it.)
But I keep feeling like every time things look up, something drags me back. In this case, it's a 1,000 Euro electric bill from my old apartment (which turns out, I didn't properly register due to my crappy German and lack of help at the time.) Also, my floors need to be redone, which I want to DIY but my dad is being really pushy about getting done professionally, which I appraised and will cost around 5,500 Euro. I feel, that I want to at least attempt to DIY it, as I can't even afford to do these floors in increments. If I saved a thousand Euros a year (which is impossible for me at this point) it would take me FIVE years to pay for them. That's how crazy that idea is.
I'm trying not to let this get me down though. I know that I have to just keep trying to get my income up, and then hopefully I can be able to save a bit so I can handle stuff like this in the future. It's hard. My first instinct when stuff like this happens is to shoot myself down and regret all the choices I've made in my life, and just feel down on myself. But I'm determined to not do that now. I can only work toward the future, because the future is the only part of my life I can change.
But I keep feeling like every time things look up, something drags me back. In this case, it's a 1,000 Euro electric bill from my old apartment (which turns out, I didn't properly register due to my crappy German and lack of help at the time.) Also, my floors need to be redone, which I want to DIY but my dad is being really pushy about getting done professionally, which I appraised and will cost around 5,500 Euro. I feel, that I want to at least attempt to DIY it, as I can't even afford to do these floors in increments. If I saved a thousand Euros a year (which is impossible for me at this point) it would take me FIVE years to pay for them. That's how crazy that idea is.
I'm trying not to let this get me down though. I know that I have to just keep trying to get my income up, and then hopefully I can be able to save a bit so I can handle stuff like this in the future. It's hard. My first instinct when stuff like this happens is to shoot myself down and regret all the choices I've made in my life, and just feel down on myself. But I'm determined to not do that now. I can only work toward the future, because the future is the only part of my life I can change.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I want an adventure!
It started 2 days ago, on Sunday.
Shortly after I posted my last entry, I met my friend Kathie for a late sushi lunch. We got to talking and she told me about how she was looking at last minute travel deals to beat the ugly weather here, but how she didn’t find anything for when she had the time to go. It got me thinking that I’d love to do something like that. I always hold myself back because I want to save money, but something inside me told me to go anyway. When I got home, I started looking at various flights and hotels all over Europe and came up with a few promising options. After more research, Athens seemed like the best deal in early March. I was still hesitant, but I thought about it for a while and decided to take the plunge and go.
I think part of the reason I’ve been so up and down with Berlin lately is tied to my previous post. I don’t leave, and I don’t take advantage of what the city has to offer. Further thought brought me to the conclusion that I am not actually living my life. I socialize with friends, so at least that’s something, but I’m not doing things that I want to very often. I’m not having the kinds of experiences that I want to be having. Basically, I’m missing out. I always have a little voice inside my head that tells me ‘when I’m in a relationship it would be fun to do this stuff’ or ‘when I have a career and have more income I’ll go there’ and it just seems to me now that I’m waiting to live my life instead of actually living it. I don’t need to wait until my life is perfect to live it…I can do it now. It doesn’t have to cost me a lot and I can still save money for the future. I think it’s about balance. I’ve also had a creeping fear inside me for the past couple of years that I think holds me back from living my life. I find myself spending a lot of money on books and DVDs, and it’s like I live my life vicariously through fictional characters. This stops NOW. I have enough books to read for probably 2 years. I don’t need more books. I already subscribe to a DVD service and have lots of my own so I don’t need to buy DVDs either. Instead, I can spend that money DOING things. Great idea, huh?
So I did it. I booked a ticket to Athens. I leave on March 9 and return on the 15th. I’m not even a little nervous. In fact, I can’t wait!
Shortly after I posted my last entry, I met my friend Kathie for a late sushi lunch. We got to talking and she told me about how she was looking at last minute travel deals to beat the ugly weather here, but how she didn’t find anything for when she had the time to go. It got me thinking that I’d love to do something like that. I always hold myself back because I want to save money, but something inside me told me to go anyway. When I got home, I started looking at various flights and hotels all over Europe and came up with a few promising options. After more research, Athens seemed like the best deal in early March. I was still hesitant, but I thought about it for a while and decided to take the plunge and go.
I think part of the reason I’ve been so up and down with Berlin lately is tied to my previous post. I don’t leave, and I don’t take advantage of what the city has to offer. Further thought brought me to the conclusion that I am not actually living my life. I socialize with friends, so at least that’s something, but I’m not doing things that I want to very often. I’m not having the kinds of experiences that I want to be having. Basically, I’m missing out. I always have a little voice inside my head that tells me ‘when I’m in a relationship it would be fun to do this stuff’ or ‘when I have a career and have more income I’ll go there’ and it just seems to me now that I’m waiting to live my life instead of actually living it. I don’t need to wait until my life is perfect to live it…I can do it now. It doesn’t have to cost me a lot and I can still save money for the future. I think it’s about balance. I’ve also had a creeping fear inside me for the past couple of years that I think holds me back from living my life. I find myself spending a lot of money on books and DVDs, and it’s like I live my life vicariously through fictional characters. This stops NOW. I have enough books to read for probably 2 years. I don’t need more books. I already subscribe to a DVD service and have lots of my own so I don’t need to buy DVDs either. Instead, I can spend that money DOING things. Great idea, huh?
So I did it. I booked a ticket to Athens. I leave on March 9 and return on the 15th. I’m not even a little nervous. In fact, I can’t wait!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Vancouver 2010, homesickness and wanderlust
The Vancouver 2010 Olympics opened on Friday, and I have to admit, watching the opening ceremonies has been making me pretty homesick. I wish I could be there amongst all the excitement. I’d wanted to visit, but the tickets cost a lot and since I’m mid-school right now it’s not a very convenient time to go.
All this is also bringing up some other stuff though that I have thought about for a couple of months now, but haven’t really told anyone. I’m not even really sure how I feel myself about this, but I sometimes wonder if I really want to stay in Berlin long-term. I used to want to make this place my home, and in a way I really feel like it’s become that kind of place for me, but there are some other things that also make me feel otherwise. For one, no matter what I do, I always feel like I’m a foreigner, and that I’m seen as a foreigner. I hold a German passport, but I’m still a foreigner because I have an accent. This really irritates me. I come from Canada, where it’s a mix of people and culture and no matter where you come from, you can fit in. Differences are celebrated and welcomed. I have great friends here, including Germans, but it’s not the same somehow. Maybe if I were born somewhere else and lived in Canada, I’d feel the same…who knows.
Also, I’m not doing any of the things that I wanted to when I came here. All the reasons that I say I love it here, I never do. It’s easy to get around Europe, but I never travel…when I say this to friends from back home, they go on and on and on about how cheap it is to travel here, but NOTHING is cheap when you don’t have an income. My standard of living (and therefore cost) has also gone up a lot since I moved here. I own an apartment, which has all sorts of associated costs. That’s a really big one. I’ve always wanted to have my own place but I also always wanted to travel and I didn’t necessarily want to do it when I was older and tied down with a career. I moved here because I wanted to travel while I was young, but instead of going on one big backpacking trip (I’ve never been attracted to the backpacking thing), I could go on weekends and see Europe. I’ve seen a few things, but I have still only been to a handful of European countries. Friends travel all the time and I really feel like I’m missing out, especially when I hear “You HAVEN’T been to Italy/London/Spain/Etc????” No, I haven’t. I really want to though. I also hardly ever take advantage of what Berlin has to offer. There are so many amazing things to do here but I only manage to do any of them every few months. This is a BIG reason that I came here and why I want to stay here, but I haven’t gotten into it enough either. Maybe I have to push myself and just go. Or maybe I don’t even value the things that I thought I did as much as I thought. I actually have no idea.
Part of me wonders if I should move back to Canada. Looking back though, when I’ve been back I haven’t wanted to stay and I’ve always been happy to come back here. Maybe my trip in June will make me appreciate Berlin more. Maybe if I left more in general, I’d appreciate Berlin more. I think it’s hard to appreciate where you are if you never see anything else.
In a way, I don’t want to move. All my stuff is here, and that sounds like a silly reason to stay, but I’m comfortable and I’ve never really had that before. Moving things and having house sales and renting out my apartment just feels so daunting and overwhelming that I don’t really want to do it unless I had a really, really good job offer or found someone I couldn’t live without. But does that mean I shouldn’t consider career options outside of Berlin? Should I focus on continuing to build my life here or should I just keep my options open and see if it takes me somewhere else after all? Maybe I’m just having jitters because I’ve been here almost 5 years and that’s a good period of time to start reassessing life.
All this is also bringing up some other stuff though that I have thought about for a couple of months now, but haven’t really told anyone. I’m not even really sure how I feel myself about this, but I sometimes wonder if I really want to stay in Berlin long-term. I used to want to make this place my home, and in a way I really feel like it’s become that kind of place for me, but there are some other things that also make me feel otherwise. For one, no matter what I do, I always feel like I’m a foreigner, and that I’m seen as a foreigner. I hold a German passport, but I’m still a foreigner because I have an accent. This really irritates me. I come from Canada, where it’s a mix of people and culture and no matter where you come from, you can fit in. Differences are celebrated and welcomed. I have great friends here, including Germans, but it’s not the same somehow. Maybe if I were born somewhere else and lived in Canada, I’d feel the same…who knows.
Also, I’m not doing any of the things that I wanted to when I came here. All the reasons that I say I love it here, I never do. It’s easy to get around Europe, but I never travel…when I say this to friends from back home, they go on and on and on about how cheap it is to travel here, but NOTHING is cheap when you don’t have an income. My standard of living (and therefore cost) has also gone up a lot since I moved here. I own an apartment, which has all sorts of associated costs. That’s a really big one. I’ve always wanted to have my own place but I also always wanted to travel and I didn’t necessarily want to do it when I was older and tied down with a career. I moved here because I wanted to travel while I was young, but instead of going on one big backpacking trip (I’ve never been attracted to the backpacking thing), I could go on weekends and see Europe. I’ve seen a few things, but I have still only been to a handful of European countries. Friends travel all the time and I really feel like I’m missing out, especially when I hear “You HAVEN’T been to Italy/London/Spain/Etc????” No, I haven’t. I really want to though. I also hardly ever take advantage of what Berlin has to offer. There are so many amazing things to do here but I only manage to do any of them every few months. This is a BIG reason that I came here and why I want to stay here, but I haven’t gotten into it enough either. Maybe I have to push myself and just go. Or maybe I don’t even value the things that I thought I did as much as I thought. I actually have no idea.
Part of me wonders if I should move back to Canada. Looking back though, when I’ve been back I haven’t wanted to stay and I’ve always been happy to come back here. Maybe my trip in June will make me appreciate Berlin more. Maybe if I left more in general, I’d appreciate Berlin more. I think it’s hard to appreciate where you are if you never see anything else.
In a way, I don’t want to move. All my stuff is here, and that sounds like a silly reason to stay, but I’m comfortable and I’ve never really had that before. Moving things and having house sales and renting out my apartment just feels so daunting and overwhelming that I don’t really want to do it unless I had a really, really good job offer or found someone I couldn’t live without. But does that mean I shouldn’t consider career options outside of Berlin? Should I focus on continuing to build my life here or should I just keep my options open and see if it takes me somewhere else after all? Maybe I’m just having jitters because I’ve been here almost 5 years and that’s a good period of time to start reassessing life.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Dooooo wop...FASHION!
My life has changed, again. I left my last job, and am persuing a career as a self employed designer. I'm doing seamstressing as well (it pays the bills.) I'm happy with this. So happy, in fact, that I've stopped overanalizing my single status and started enjoying my life. Score.
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