Oh, Honey

Every once and a while, I read through old writing in order to gain ideas and inspiration from the past. I’ll go through the stacks of journals, poetry and notebooks I have and see what I can scrounge out that I may have already had before. Most of the time I read a lot of stuff that’s very silly, but I sometimes find a gem and work with it.

But that’s not really what this post is about. I did do that, and that’s where this starts, but this is about what I found in my journals between 2004-2008…

Basically, I can’t believe how naïve I was! Especially when I moved here and really started dating (something I hadn’t done much of before I came to Germany). Reading how I felt when I moved here and the things I thought about guys I dated, I just want to shake my head and say “Oh, honey”, a la How I Met Your Mother (video below):



I know hindsight is 20/20 and I know how it turns out, but still. I think if it wasn’t my life and I was just reading a blog or something someone else had posted, I’d feel the same way about it. It was kind of horrible in a way because I can see how I ended up so sad by 2008 (but somehow I hadn’t really learned by then either….) It's also very clear in the friends I chose. I guess in Canada I'd never really dated, and I only had friends I'd either known since school or had college classes with (and therefore very direct shared interests). I hadn't really met anyone in a while who I didn't already have some sort of background with, whether it be having the same interests and goals, or knowing all the same people. But when I came here, I didn't know anyone and I didn't have a lot of dating experience, or experience meeting friends from scratch. I guess I was just very sheltered. I was also very young. I didn't think 21 was so young when I moved here, and 5 years isn't really a long time in the scheme of things, but it's a period of time in which I've learned a lot and looking back I feel like I was a child almost.

On the other hand, I know I’m not that girl anymore (at least, I hope I’m not!) so I must have learned –something- from it all. I've spent a lot of time lately looking back on the past with rose-coloured lenses, but maybe it's better that I'm who I am now. The world isn't such a harsh place anymore :)

Valentines

I have a love/hate thing with February 14

There's something about Valentines Day that I just love. I like the idea of a day to celebrate love, and I don't think it has to mean romantic love. I don't really love the commercialism but almost every holiday is commercialized and I still love Halloween and Christmas. In a relationship or not, it's nice to remind yourself that there's love in the world, and hopefully in your own life, whether it be from a relationship, friends, family or just loving your life and being comfortable in your own skin. I know, I'm a sap.

The hate part comes mostly from the commercialization, and the fact that this centers entirely on romance. I guess it just makes me feel like I'm 13 at a school dance...awkward, and no one is really looking my way. And no matter how great I feel about being single, I still feel a little bit like that 13 year old girl again.

That being said, I wont be guilted. I'm blessed with wonderful friends and family! And I'm happier than I ever have been before. So to celebrate I'm making myself venison steak with a side of spinach and pasta alfredo tonight, which sounds like an odd combination but they're all things I love lots.

:(

I finally got a text back from him. It said "Just got back from the choir trip, and I'm busy at school all day and night the entire week. But thanks anyway for the cake."

I don't know. It just screams 'I don't care.' Like, it's the text equivalent of me giving it to him and him shrugging. It wouldn't be the first time a guy shrugged at me when I tried to do something nice for him. It's so hurtful, not just because I have feelings for him, but also because he's my friend and friends aren't supposed to act like that. Friends are supposed to appreciate it when you do things for them. Is he at Uni 24 hours a day? No. I could drop it off. He could acknowledge that I made some effort for him. But he just doesn't care.

One day, I want to be in love with someone and not feel sad about it. I want to tell all my friends that I am really in love, and say it with a smile on my face, not call them crying because I know I'm going to get my heart broken. There is NOTHING worse than that feeling you get when you realize that the person you're in love with not only doesn't love you, but doesn't care enough about you to consider your feelings. It stings. M was supposed to be different than that, but I guess he is just like everybody else.

Twelve

I have a lot of weird superstitions regarding sex (see the "Condom Curse" post.) One of my other ones has something to do with the number 12. I have currently slept with 11 guys, which makes me practically a virgin compared to most people I know in Germany, and a whore compared to my friends in Canada (interesting little cultural difference there.) I have this weird feeling that Bachelor #12 has something special about him, even though I have absolutely no idea who he is. Don't ask me why...I can't even remember who #7 was, for example, without looking at the list I wrote down (and looking at it now, it was J, who I dated for 2 months. Definitely not special.) Maybe my '12' superstition has to do with it being an even dozen...though I highly doubt that the next guy I sleep with will end up being 'the one'. Not with my luck anyway. But wouldn't it be nice?