Stuff and more Stuff

I'm so creative with titles, no?

I feel like I've been run over by a train today. I'm so sleepy after my unrelaxing weekend of studying for my German exam and trying to run errands. But the good news is that on Friday I got to meet with the builders of my apartment, and for the first time ever I was able to walk up and actually SEE the space that will be my new home in 5 months. It's larger than I thought, except for the living room, which feels a little bit smaller somehow, even though it is 25 m2. I got to pick where all the electric sockets are going. I wanted lots of them, as this is the 21st century and I run a million devices and appliances at a time. I'm actually surprised I haven't started a fire in my current (unrennovated) flat. I want to move in now. The roof terrace would come in handy in these months more than in the winter!

I'm having a lot of design inspiration lately. I haven't designed anything in almost a year. I have no idea why but 2007 was kind of a sleeper for me. I didn't design anything, write anything or do anything really. I cammed and I slept a lot. I need to make myself a new dress form. My old one is from the end of 2005, and no longer fits my proportions. I'll post pics of my creations as I make them! I have a feeling I'm going to be making a lot of cocktail dresses that I'll never wear.

PS I am in love with this blog: http://ikeahacker.blogspot.com/

Tortilla!

So there is this tortilla delivery service in town that a lot of people like. This Mexican guy makes his own tortillas, and delivers them to your house for a small price. This is almost always a cause for a party, because you have to eat them fresh and what are you going to do with 100 tortillas? Well tonight my friend Marcus and his girlfriend Katy ordered some, so they had some people over. It was a nice evening with good food and capis (I can't spell capparinha...) and it was a nice bike ride home.

(I admit, I posted almost the exact same thing in my livejournal....sorry if you read both!)

I haven't heard from Felix yet....

(yes I'm giving them names now. I'm not Belle de Jour...)

Year's Supply of Tampons

Ladies and Gentlemen, I now have a whole year's supply of tampons.

I keep forgetting them when I go to work, so I have to buy a new box. I bought 2 boxes this week, not to mention the tons of Tampax I already get sent to me from Canada (though I MUCH prefer those ones to the OB ones I have to buy here!) Need a Tampon? I'm your gal!

Still thinking about F. He's in Spain right now. *le sigh*

I went out with F last night, and it was great!

I met up with him for coffee. He'd said earlier that his friends were grilling in the park to celebrate their bday and if I was up for it we could go but if not no worries. We decided to just meet at Balzac and take it from there. We were there for about 2 hours, and talked sooo much and it was great. He's intelligent and has a great sense of humour, and he even said he was interested in learning more about fashion (which I think that could be BS, and if it is that's really sweet that he made the effort anyway..if it's true, then cool as well.) I felt like I could be myself and wasn't nervous or feeling fake at all.
We eventually did decide to go meet his friends in the park, and totally got lost looking for this hill, in the dark. It was kind of creepy because we started talking about scary movies and zombies (eep) but also totally hilarious. We decided to just go back down and drink some wine by the pond where there are lights and people. The friends decided to come down and meet us, and it was fun.
We went home around 12:30 (both have to work in the morning), and he took me home and we kissed on the cheek. I couldn't find my keys and he said I could always stay at his place in Dom's room (she's away)...was a little disappointed he didn't ask to stay in his room, but mind you that I'm really glad he didn't because it would have been rude and presumptuous and I'm glad he's not that kind of guy. In some ways I was surprised he never made a move the whole night but I was also kind of happy because I got to know him better without physical stuff and I think I always move way too fast that way. I texted him to thank him for the coffee and the wine (he paid) and to say that I had a great night, and he answered 'and I was just trying to find the words to say what a nice eveing it was. thx.' I thought it was SO sweet, and a definite sign that he likes me :) I'm totally infatuated.

"Du siehst aber schick aus"

That's what a guy said to me on my way home. It means "You look very chic." Thanks, I think.

Being 'hit-on' count just on my way home (not counting on the way there or on the way to my date): 4

Drink count: 1 glass white wine (on disasterous date), 1 glass red wine (cianti, at dinner), 1 cosmopolitan, 2 watered-down grapefruity shots (all at bar), beer (on my way home)

Still not drunk. I think water was added to everything I drank all night because I am a cheap drunk.

Blind Date Blues

My date sucked. Plain and simple.

First of all, he didn't look half as good as his photo. But no judgement. I'm willing to give anyone a chance if they have a shining personality. Unfortunately this one did NOT. The conversation started off pleasant enough, the usual small talk people make with me about Canada and Germany, but then after we finished our coffee he wanted me to go have a glass of wine at his house. Seeing as this is a guy I met off the internet and don't know at all, I politely declined and suggested we get a glass of wine in the nice cafe next door instead. He kept pushing. I flat out told him that I don't know him and that I would feel more comfortable in a bar. He got all defensive about how he is a 'nice guy' (and I'm SURE all the rapists use that line too, buddy.) We ended up having a glass of wine in a cafe, and I texted my friend to call me and make up some excuse about why I had to leave. I'm meeting her for dinner in a bit. Needless to say there will NOT be a second date. I am in dire need of a martini.

Announcement

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a date on Saturday.

Hopefully this blog will get more interesting after my months-long dry spell, which was admittedly self-inflicted.

He's 28 so I'm hoping he's somewhat grown-up. Arrested development seems to be a defining feature of German men, and at 23 I feel more grown up than most of the guys in their mid-20's, who all seem to act like the guys I knew when I was 19.

Adventures in Web-Dating and S-bahn Fantasies

Frustrated with getting hit on by drunks and construction workers, yet never getting asked out, I decided to try online dating. Mostly, it seems to be like a bar, but online, and less drunk. 95% of the guys that message me are not interesting to me, and some of them are super persistent. I get an average of 30 messages a day, and I can't answer all of them, but some of them insist on continuing to message 'why aren't you answering me?' Here's a clue, if I don't message you, it's the e-equivalent of me saying 'that's nice' then turning back to my friends and ignoring you in a bar...get the hint!

That being said, I do have a date on Saturday with a guy who looks like he is pretty attractive in his photos, and seems interesting from his profile (speaks 4 languages, likes culture)

In other news, I finished my period on Sunday and am at that ridiculously horny part of my cycle. Yesterday I found myself waiting for the S-Bahn, fantasizing about making out with the guy sitting on the bench next to me. That's right. Total stranger. I also had more than a few fantasies about F, who is a roommate of my friend D. He's a ginger kid, but a hot ginger kid. God. I feel like a cat in heat.

:(

I finally got a text back from him. It said "Just got back from the choir trip, and I'm busy at school all day and night the entire week. But thanks anyway for the cake."

I don't know. It just screams 'I don't care.' Like, it's the text equivalent of me giving it to him and him shrugging. It wouldn't be the first time a guy shrugged at me when I tried to do something nice for him. It's so hurtful, not just because I have feelings for him, but also because he's my friend and friends aren't supposed to act like that. Friends are supposed to appreciate it when you do things for them. Is he at Uni 24 hours a day? No. I could drop it off. He could acknowledge that I made some effort for him. But he just doesn't care.

One day, I want to be in love with someone and not feel sad about it. I want to tell all my friends that I am really in love, and say it with a smile on my face, not call them crying because I know I'm going to get my heart broken. There is NOTHING worse than that feeling you get when you realize that the person you're in love with not only doesn't love you, but doesn't care enough about you to consider your feelings. It stings. M was supposed to be different than that, but I guess he is just like everybody else.

Holiday

Today is a holiday in Germany! Yay for ANOTHER day off to relax, or rather to recover from the rest of the weekend.

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." - Friedrich Nietzsche

There is still a cake in my fridge. No messages or calls.

Twelve

I have a lot of weird superstitions regarding sex (see the "Condom Curse" post.) One of my other ones has something to do with the number 12. I have currently slept with 11 guys, which makes me practically a virgin compared to most people I know in Germany, and a whore compared to my friends in Canada (interesting little cultural difference there.) I have this weird feeling that Bachelor #12 has something special about him, even though I have absolutely no idea who he is. Don't ask me why...I can't even remember who #7 was, for example, without looking at the list I wrote down (and looking at it now, it was J, who I dated for 2 months. Definitely not special.) Maybe my '12' superstition has to do with it being an even dozen...though I highly doubt that the next guy I sleep with will end up being 'the one'. Not with my luck anyway. But wouldn't it be nice?

Going Insane

It's been a week since I accidentally forwarded M a message saying 'M is being bitchy' (which he was but that's beside the point) and he's still mad. I'm totally upset about it, and I don't know what to do. The general consensus is to make him a cake, so I guess I will do that because I don't know anything else to do. I want to make some grand gesture showing him I'm not a complete bitch and I'm sorry for being insensitive, so I guess this is the way to do this.

I hate being a girl. I think about these things way too much and analyse them to death. I can't just brush things off, when I really care. If I just brush it off, either I really don't care at all, or it -looks- like I brushed it off when really I'm totally beating myself up about it in my head.

I have horrible PMS, which doesn't help the matter. I'm always so emotional during this time of the month, and both emotionally and physically this is the WORST period I've had since my teen years. I'm totally irrational and I keep crying. I feel like a right idiot.

Blech

I feel really cranky today.

Ever had one of those nights where you wake up every half hour or so? That was my night last night. Nothing worse than continually interrupting your sleep, all the while knowing that you have to wake up the next morning.

M still isn't speaking to me and I'm worried I really pissed him off. However, at the same time it's really childish, because what I did wasn't THAT bad and he has to either get mad at me directly or get over it. I hate it when he acts like this. Passive aggressiveness has a tendency to make ME really agressive.

Uncertainty

It's been a few weeks and the fight was long resolved, but there are other issues looming.
He is going through something he says, and he has reacted by totally shutting me out. I think that while it's fine to need your space, shutting someone out is totally selfish. It's bothering me. It's not fair. I'm torn between not wanting to waste my time and get my heart broken, and wanting to be there for him and see this through. When it was good, it was really good. I don't meet men I can talk to easily. It's rarity and I want to keep that, if I can. I don't want to throw something away because of a rough patch, but is this a rough patch or is it him just being an asshole? I can't tell.

This is so emo. Ha.

Night of Truth

tonight...this is it, the night of truth. I'll see him tonight, and I have no idea where it is going. Ack.

One Week

Like the Barenaked Ladies song of the same title, it's been one week since I got in a fight with P, and he is still not speaking to me.

It all degraded into a passive aggressive email battle, starting with me explaining why I was angry, and ending with him calling me selfish. True, I was being a bit selfish, and didn't consider his feelings, and I sent my apologies, but instead of being mature and dealing with it he has totally shut me out. It's not even so much that he's been busy and didn't have time to deal with it. I called and sent a text yesterday (the text because I got no answer or voicemail prompt) to say that I was still feeling bad about what happened and that my offer to make dinner still stands (hey, it's the girl version of sending flowers), and still got nada.

It's hurting me. I couldn't eat or sleep after it happened because my nerves were so shot. Now I'm just tired, and need a distraction. I'll see him tomorrow, but it's a group situation that will allow him to duck out early if he still wants to be silly about this, and I'm not sure how much I can allow this to go on before I snap and end it. I love him, but I can't do this. I can't have someone shut me out for weeks because they got upset at me and feel too busy to deal with it. Where does that leave me then? Who's the selfish one in that case?

The Condom Curse

You're going to think I'm crazy when say this, but I have a curse. I call it the 'Condom Curse.' I swear on my life, EVERY time I buy condoms, I never get to use them with the guy I bought them to have sex with. It has happened every time for two years, without fail. It's a long vicious cycle; I start dating a guy, run out of condoms, and then in an effort to not be caught unprepared, I buy more. BUT before we have sex again, we break up, he stops calling, or it doesn't work out for some reason or another. Then all I'm left with is an unopened box of condoms, which seem to be mocking me in my night table drawer because I'm not having sex. I eventually start dating another guy and use them, but if I buy a new pack, the cycle is repeated.

I was in line at the grocery store the other day and saw the condoms by the register and remembered that I was out. BUT this time I remembered the Condom Curse, and I left them be. If he can't remember condoms, he shouldn't be having sex.

Am I the Freak?

The past couple of days, I have been acting like a crazy person. I blame this LARGELY on PMS, which normally isn't too terrible since I've been on the pill but some months, at random I find myself HORRIBLY emotional and horomonal. Crying watching sitcoms, freaking out because my bank screwed something up, etc. Yesterday I had the PMS freakout of all time though. I found myself crying like crazy because I couldn't see him when I thought I would. And I thought to myself 'why am I acting totally insane? What is WRONG with me?' Then this morning when I took my pill and realized there was one left, I totally understood.

I want to get my period already and stop the madness!

Eeek

I hate that feeling when I think I might be falling for someone, especially when I have no idea where I stand with that person.

It all started Saturday night. P came over. We hadn't seen each other in almost a month. I had gone away, and then he left for Barcelona just before I came back. So we were in need of catching up...badly. I got this odd twinge in my stomach before he came, like I was nervous or something. I've been seeing him (fooling around, whatever...I have no idea) for over 2 months, and he's never made me nervous like that but I just felt like something was different. He came over, and I was still a bit nervous but felt a lot of chemistry and we talked a lot and the sex was great. The weird part is that afterward, when I was lying in my bed with him, I actually FELT something, and I never feel anything. 'Afterglow' is the best way I can describe it. I continued to feel it into the next day, and I'm almost feeling it now thinking about it.

I'm not sure where this is going. I've never been in real love before but I think this might be the start of it? I'm terrified, because now I absolutely hate the idea of losing him, and now I have feelings invested and I have NO idea where this is going. It's like investing millions into a startup company that could really go either way. Unfortunately emotions aren't money and you can't exactly choose who you invest them in.